


The Darker Thoughts of a Hakurei Shrine Maiden

by finitexs



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Depression, Drama, Gen, Lots of dialogue, Lots of headcanon, despite the tags the ending is hopefully optimistic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21696763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finitexs/pseuds/finitexs
Summary: A deeper look at what it means to be the Hakurei shrine maiden and what rules they have to follow.This fic deals with depression, so don't read this if you aren't comfortable with that.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	The Darker Thoughts of a Hakurei Shrine Maiden

**Author's Note:**

> a fic that started off as a vent fic turned into this.
> 
> i've posted this in the tags and the summary, and i'll post it again here. this fic deals with depression. more specifically, reimu depression, so if you aren't comfortable with that, now's your chance to stop reading.

Reimu Hakurei was the current shrine maiden of Gensokyo. She created the Spell Card Rules, solved more incidents than she could count with both her hands, and brought an era of peace and human-youkai coexistence that was unheard of in Gensokyo.

Yet, she couldn't help but feel completely replaceable. There was always doubt in her mind that people only cared for her as the Hakurei shrine maiden, not as Reimu Hakurei, a normal person who had been given this position since her birth. She still wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse. 

Did anyone reall care about her? As a person? Not as Reimu Hakurei, Hakurei shrine maiden and protector of Gensokyo, but as Reimu, a person separate from her duties?

"Oi! Reimu! You home?"

Reimu turned away from the door and pulled her blankets over her head in hopes that she'd magically disappear. As much as she appreciated Marisa, she didn't want to talk to her right now. She didn't want Marisa to see her like this. The Hakurei shrine maiden always had to appear strong, for the sake of Gensokyo.

Unfortunately, Reimu didn't suddenly disappear like she had hoped. She heard Marisa's footsteps, loud and a bit faster than most people's, approach her bedroom. 

"Reimu? You in here?" Reimu flinched a bit as the door to her room was loudly opened, flooding the room with light from the outside. "Finally found ya. Can't believe you're still sleeping at this time of day."

"Had a long night last night," Reimu grunted, her voice muffled from beneath the blankets. She pulled the blankets around her tighter and made sure to stay faced away from Marisa. "Let me sleep. I'm tired."

Marisa gave Reimu a doubtful look. "I've seen you fight gods and get up fine the next day. Must've been one hell of a night to keep you down." She looked at Reimu for a few more seconds before closing the door. "I'll let ya sleep," Marisa said while leaving.

The door to her room shut, and Reimu was left alone with only her thoughts to keep her company. She didn't actually have a long night, but it was the only excuse she could think of to get Marisa to leave her alone. The part about her being tired wasn't a lie, at least. 

Feeling guilty, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. She didn't like lying, especially when it was to the only other person she considered a friend. Despite not showing it, or rather, despite not being allowed to show it, Reimu really did appreciate Marisa and considered her as a friend. Did Marisa consider her a friend? She hoped so.

* * *

"Reimu? You still asleep?"

Reimu woke up with a jolt. She had actually managed to fall asleep without realizing it. Letting out a quiet groan, she realized that Marisa was back. It had probably been a few hours. The door to her room opened, light once again entering her room.

"Reimu?" Marisa sounded slightly worried. It was rare to hear genuine worry in her voice. "You ok? The sun's starting to set. You slept for the whole day."

"I'm fine," Reimu said, lying again. That made two in one day. "Just tired. I'll be back to normal tomorrow." She tried to keep her voice neutral. She _really_ didn't want Marisa to see her like this.

Marisa was silent for a few seconds. But this time, instead of leaving, she approached Reimu. Reimu heard her footsteps getting closer and silently cursed. Why couldn't she just leave her alone?

"Reimu," Marisa softly said, "I'm starting to get real worried about you. You sure you're fine?" She knelt next to Reimu. "Can I take these blankets off ya?"

Reimu clutched her blankets more tightly. "No."

Marisa was silent again. Reimu was also silent. After what seemed like an eternity, Reimu heard Marisa moving around. "I'm just gonna sit here then and read a book. That's fine, right?"

"Yeah," Reimu said before she could stop herself. She had meant to say no. What was wrong with her?

"Alright. I'll just be reading." Reimu heard Marisa pull out a book. 

The two remained silent for a few minutes. Reimu was hoping that Marisa would leave after she got bored, but she stayed true to her word. All she could hear was the sound of Marisa occasionally flipping a page in her book. It was clear that she wasn't going to leave.

Reimu turned herself to face Marisa and came out of her blankets to peek at Marisa. The magician had a concentrated frown on her face and was holding a thick book, probably with tiny and complicated text if it was like the books that Marisa had shown her before. Reimu was certain that even if she drank the Hourai elixir and had all the time in the world, she'd never be able to finish reading a single one of those books.

Marisa looked up from her book and saw Reimu looking at her. She gave Reimu a small grin. "G'morning. Got enough beauty sleep?" Despite her teasing words, Reimu could hear some worry in her voice. She hated it. She didn't want people to worry about her.

"Yeah, I'm up now," Reimu mumbled. "What ya want?"

"Nothing really," Marisa said with a shrug, "but now that I'm here, I'm gonna take you mushroom hunting."

"Eh? Why?" Reimu confusedly asked. 

"'Cause I need to restock, and it's easier with two people. Come on, get up and get ready. Gotta go while we still got daylight to burn," Marisa said.

Grumbling, Reimu reluctantly got up. 

Marisa grinned. "Good. I'll be waiting outside."

* * *

Marisa sat down on the front porch and waited for Reimu. She'd been surprised when she arrived that morning to find Reimu not on the front porch. On days with good weather, she always expected Reimu to be sitting outside with a cup of tea and a peaceful smile on her face. She thought it was a little strange for Reimu to still be sleeping way after the sun had risen, but everyone had their off days. Even Marisa had days where she felt like doing nothing. 

After she left Reimu alone, Marisa sat on the front porch of the shrine. She told anyone who happened to visit that Reimu wasn't feeling good and shot at the occasional fairy who tried to pull a prank on the shrine. She sat there as the sun began to set, a book in one hand and her mini-Hakkero in the other, waiting for Reimu to wake up. She didn't originally plan on keeping an eye on the Hakurei shrine, but she was worried about Reimu. 

Marisa finally decided to see Reimu again once the sun began to set. She was certain that something was wrong. When Reimu finally got up from under her blankets and looked at her, Marisa felt a chill run down her spine. Reimu's eyes looked dull. The light that Marisa usually saw was gone. Marisa made a decision then and there that she had to do something.

"Marisa, I'm ready."

Marisa looked at Reimu, who had just come out of the shrine. She looked tired. "Your ribbon's a bit crooked. Lemme get that for you," Marisa said. Reimu said nothing and allowed Marisa to adjust it. 

"There we go," Marisa said after adjusting it. She forced herself to grin at Reimu, trying to keep both Reimu and herself upbeat "Good as new. We're gonna go to the Forest of Magic now."

Reimu groaned. "Why're we doing this again?"

"'Cause," Marisa said as she began flying. She looked back to make sure that Reimu was following her. "I need some help stocking up on mushrooms. How else am I gonna be a proper magician without 'em?"

"You don't _need_ mushrooms to be a proper magician," Reimu said while rolling her eyes. 

Marisa let out a small sigh of relief when she heard a bit of an edge in Reimu's voice. She hoped that meant Reimu was starting to feel better. At the very least, it was a lot more comforting to hear that rather than the completely dead voice she had earlier. She didn't think Reimu even realized how she sounded earlier.

Marisa grinned at Reimu, a genuine grin this time. "Me? Not use mushrooms? That's like asking you to go without that big ol' stick or your detached sleeves. Can't do that."

"That's completely different," Reimu said. "I need my purification rod to fight, and I had attached sleeves before."

"Why'd ya change it then?"

"None of your business," Reimu muttered. 

The two made their way to the Forest of Magic, continuing to banter and talk with each other. 

* * *

"And this mushroom I got here, it's a weird one." Marisa showed off a mushroom with a red and white cap. The two had been picking mushrooms for a while with Marisa explaining the purpose of each mushroom they got. Marisa wasn't sure how much fun Reimu was having, but she seemed interested whenever she explained something.

"If you look closely, it looks like it's got two eyes on the stem," she said while bringing it closer to Reimu and pointing at the 'eyes'. "I only found this one recently. Weird thing is, none of the books I got know anything about this. I only saw one book mention it for a bit. According to it, if you eat this mushroom, it makes you bigger."

"What does that even mean?" Reimu asked.

"Dunno," Marisa said with a shrug. "That's what the book said. Tried eating one, and nothing really happened." 

Reimu frowned. "You ate one without knowing what it did?"

Marisa shrugged again. "Yeah. How else am I gonna know?"

"I really should be expecting this from you by now," Reimu sighed. "Just make sure you're careful."

"Yeah, yeah," Marisa said, waving her off. "Ya told me before. Anyways, I think we're done now. Almost at my house."

Reimu was carrying two baskets of mushrooms while Marisa flipped over her hat and stuffed mushrooms into it. The two had gone all over the Forest of Magic and picked as many mushrooms as they could. 

"Aaaand there we go, my house. Put 'em here, I'll move them later," Marisa said while pointing.

Reimu frowned as she entered Marisa's house. "I don't think it matters where I put them. Your house is a mess."

"Everyone says it's a mess. I prefer the term 'organized randomness'," Marisa said while waving her off. Not believing her in the slightest, Reimu put down the baskets.

Marisa beamed at the mushrooms. That'd do for a while. She stole a subtle glance at Reimu. Reimu looked less tired than before, despite having just traveled all over the Forest of Magic. There was a relaxed smile on her face. Much better than the vacant, blank look she saw earlier. Most importantly, the light that Marisa was so familiar with was back behind Reimu's eyes. 

"Why you looking at me like that?" Reimu asked, seeming to become a little self-conscious. Marisa realized that she wasn't as subtle as she thought.

"No reason," Marisa said with a grin. "I just like seeing your face sometimes." Reimu scoffed, but Marisa saw her hide a grin. 

"You wanna stay here tonight?" Marisa asked. "It's gonna get dark soon."

Reimu looked like she was considering. Finally, she said, "No. I need to get back to the shrine to prepare for tomorrow. I'm sure I missed a lot of people today."

Marisa nodded, not mentioning that she had kept a watch over the shrine today. She didn't need to know that. Marisa got her broom and said, "I'll fly back with ya."

Reimu nodded, and the two set off. 

* * *

By the time the two reached the shrine, the sun had gone down completely. The night made Marisa uneasy. It made her anxious. Marisa was worried about Reimu, worried that when she came to visit tomorrow morning, Reimu would still be in her bed again. Worried that Reimu would be hurting again. 

"I'll visit again tomorrow, Reimu," Marisa said.

Reimu nodded as she went inside. 

Marisa flew away from the shrine, but she stopped and turned around, watching the front of the shrine. She knew that watching the shrine wouldn't do anything. She had to trust that Reimu would be okay. And if she wasn't, Marisa would have to do what she could to help her.

"What are you doing here, I wonder?"

Marisa looked around, searching for the source of the voice. This happened more times that she liked, but she was still surprised every time. Not that she'd ever admit it. She didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing her surprised.

"Right next to you."

A chill ran down Marisa's spine as the space next to her distorted. Time seemed to come to a standstill as a gap appeared next to Marisa. Nature itself seemed to hold its breath as Yukari Yakumo, sage of Gensokyo and manipulator of boundaries, came out of the gap. Yukari sealed the gap, and everything returned to normal. 

Yukari looked at Marisa with a smile. "Hello, Marisa. How are you doing on this fine night?"

Marisa glared at Yukari. On the best of days, Yukari was barely tolerable. It didn't need to be said that Marisa didn't like Yukari, especially after today. Marisa pointed at the shrine and seethed, "You know what happened today. How long has this been going on for?"

"I have no clue what you're talking about," Yukari innocently said, which wasn't very innocent at all.

"Reimu. How long has she been acting like that? How long has she been depressed?" Marisa said, nearly yelling at Yukari. She knew that with how closely Yukari kept on eye on Reimu, she had to know.

Yukari silently looked at Marisa. Marisa glared back at her.

Finally, Yukari pulled out a fan out from a gap and opened it up in front of her face. "Why would you ask me that? I'm not her caretaker. The Hakurei shrine maiden—"

"I'm talking about Reimu as a person, not as one of your pawns! Don't you care about what happens to her?"

Yukari looked down at the Hakurei shrine, an unreadable expression on her face. She said nothing.

With a look of contempt, Marisa flew away from Yukari as fast as she could, not wanting to be near her. She shouldn't have expected Yukari of all people to understand.

* * *

Yukari watched as Marisa flew away. She wasn't going to stop her. After all, she had every right to react like that. Yukari would've acted the same if she were in her position.

Yukari sighed and made a gap form underneath her. Tiredly, she sat down on it and looked up at the moon. Night was the time of youkai, the time where their powers and youkai nature were at their strongest. But despite that, Yukari felt much more human than youkai. It was almost like she was a human again.

Of course, Yukari knew what Reimu had been going through. Her heart–at least, if she could consider herself to have one–ached whenever she saw Reimu haunted by her own thoughts. Reimu was strong, the strongest Hakurei shrine maiden that Yukari had seen. It figured that the only way to take her down was from the inside, from her own mind. Her doubts, her mind itself, had become her enemy. 

Yukari sighed again. She reached into a gap and pulled out a cup and a bottle of sake. She really needed a drink. Yuyuko probably wouldn't mind some missing sake. Besides, she'd make it up to her later. As Yukari poured herself a cup, she thought about what she told all the Hakurei shrine maidens when they first became the Hakurei shrine maiden.

One of the most important rules a Hakurei shrine maiden had to follow was that the Hakurei shrine maiden always had to be unbiased. No personal bias was to sway them. To accomplish this, they were to limit all their relationships. They couldn't get too attached to people. That was the first of many rules Yukari told them. But perhaps, these rules were too extreme. After all, they were people, not a machine. 

However, her rules had reasoning behind them. In the case of limiting their relationships, the Hakurei shrine maidens limited them in order to be fair to everyone. It wouldn't do to have a judge that was on your side, after all. It was common sense. Yukari thought for a bit. No. She wasn't being completely honest.

Fairness was only part of the reason. She had also told the Hakurei shrine maidens to limit their relationships in case anyone they knew had to be punished. If Marisa had become a youkai instead of the fortune-teller, would Reimu have been able to hunt her down? Yukari doubted it. The rule was created so that the Hakurei shrine maidens didn't have to feel torn between their duties and their relationships.

Yukari took a sip of sake. She really would have to praise Yuyuko on her choice of drinks. She wasn't sure what exactly she was drinking, but it was good. She took another sip. She still wasn't being completely honest. While everything she said was true, it wasn't the entire truth. The rule was established not only to protect the Hakurei shrine maidens but also Yukari herself. 

Yukari, who had once been a human and still remembered everything about her human life, had the Hakurei shrine maidens limit their relationships in order to justify her own relationship–or maybe lack of a relationship would be a better way to put it–with them. She used it to justify keeping her distance from the Hakurei shrine maidens so that she wouldn't get attached to them. She had lost someone close to her when she became a youkai, and she didn't want it to happen again. 

In the end, it was her own selfishness that created that rule. And not just that rule but also many other rules that made the Hakurei shrine maidens feel like they weren't human. Yukari Yakumo, protector of Gensokyo and creator of rules, regretted many things, but this may have been what she regretted the most. She was so obsessed with keeping herself and Gensokyo safe that she forgot to think about others.

But maybe, just maybe, she'd be able to make things right. It wasn't too late to rectify what she had done. She'd start by changing how she acted. Even if she didn't act like it, she cared for Reimu and all the Hakurei shrine maidens before her. It wouldn't hurt to show some more appreciation every now and then. And it wouldn't hurt either to change some rules and lessen some restrictions on Reimu. She had every right to feel like a normal human person, at least as much as the Hakurei shrine maiden could. Allowing her to have close relationships was the first thing she'd change. And she didn't have to always act strong. It was fine for her to feel vulnerable. After all, it was Yukari's job rather than Reimu's job to put up an act around everyone. 

"Dreams are things to be made into reality." 

Yukari must've drunk a little too much if she was starting to remember quotes verbatim. But she was right. As long as there was a dream, it'd eventually happen. Yukari was going to try, for Reimu's sake.

Yukari opened a gap back to her home and entered it. The gap closed behind her, and peace once again returned to the skies above the Hakurei shrine.

**Author's Note:**

> originally, this was a vent fic that was supposed to only be the first part with reimu and marisa. marisa would come in, they'd talk and hug it out, boom that's it. it probably would've been 500 words tops. but as i was writing i was like "hold up i can do something with this" and this fic happened.
> 
> i think that gensokyo is depicted as a relatively chill place in canon, but there's definitely some sinister stuff going on in the background. unsurprisingly, yukari is most definitely involved in said sinister stuff. i'm not sure if i'd call this in particular sinister though rather than yukari just doing what she thinks is best for gensokyo. but yeah, i think reimu definitely has some pressure as the hakurei shrine maiden.
> 
> bonus points to anyone who knows where specifically the quote at the end is from. it probably would've been better to not have the quote in there, but i couldn't resist. had to throw in that reference.
> 
> kudos and feedback are always appreciated. if you notice any mistakes, feel free to point them out.


End file.
